All or Nothing

You know I'd fight for you
But how I can fight someone who isn't even there?

Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all


And then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you can see
Those times I don't believe it's right
I know know it

Don't me make me promises
Baby you never did know how to keep them well.


Cause you and I
Could lose it all if you've got no more room
No room inside for me in your life .

Theory Of A Deadman - Not Meant To Be

What I'm feeling right now



Nobody wins when everyone's losing
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I can't change your mind, oh

It's like trying to turn around on a one way street.
I can't give you what you want and it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
That maybe we're not meant to be

There's still time to turn this around
Should we be building this up
Instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it's too late.

Top 10 things men think are romantic...which women think are not

Top 10 things men think are romantic...which women think are not

wtf guys should seriously marry domestic helpers so they don't have to bother being romantic at all.
i was going 'awwws..' while reading the last few then i realized that was what the girls expect.

I just want him to like me as who I am.
Not because he need someone at some point of his life.
Not because I confessed to him and he thinks that I'm giving him a chance and he wanna give it a 'try'
Not because I'm a fucking replacement.
Not because I'm the next best thing next to her.

I'm really tired. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't focus at work. I just can't do anything right. And this has been going on for around 6 months already. Only that recently it became much worse. I can't be grieving all the time. It's driving me insane. It's driving me up to the walls. My heart is racing all the time and I can't breathe right.

I kinda told him just let it be. Don't start everything again. Like I stopped replying his messages then he will say something which GMH and I will go back to the starting point again. I just wanna walk out of everything. This misery, I mean. But I'm afraid.. that if he really didn't reply, I will set my mind to just let him go. And I didn't want that to happen either.
He's damn right. Why did I bother telling him my feelings when I didn't expect anything at all?
Yea right.. why did I even bother at all??
I'd rather pretend that I've never liked him before and I see him just as an ex-coworker. Nothing more.

I've already expected this to happen. If I meet up with him and eventually let him go, this will be the end. I'm so afraid that he might leave and I'll just make up my mind that today is gonna be the last day I'm going to see him in my life, ever again.
I've so many doubts: why did he totally disappeared for months without contacting. Why doesn't he turn up for meet ups. Why does he move on so quickly?
I'm afraid to ask. I'm afraid to hear the truth. I'm afraid that I'll feel sad. I've already lost all my courage and it's gonna be ages before I can restore them. Right now, Imma take a break from everything until I find courage to look at him into his eyes and not cry. Until I find courage to talk to him again. Until he can finally understand how I feel. I think I've told MM before.. I can't look at him without feeling the urge to cry. I've lost this feeling for a month and I thought I'd already moved on but fuck my heart which doesn't listen to my brain. Logically, I should just let it be but my fucking stubborn heart just won't listen.
Pyae once told me that I can get any guy I want since I've got the looks and I told him angrily that I just like him. He replied that I was just being stubborn. I think he's damn right.
He asked 'You sure you want him? I don't want you to end up losing your virginity for no reason.' I think he's damn right again. I'm not sure what I want anymore. I'm not even sure if I like him due to my stubbornness or true feelings.
I really need time to sort these out. Meanwhile I'll just try to focus on work. It requires 100% of my attention. I can't afford to lose anything anymore.

why does it feels like i'm the only one who gives a damn. maybe i shouldn't even bother in the first place.

Don't tell me how you feel all awkward. Have you thought about me? When I told you how I feel I've considered so many things before putting in all my courage? I could possibly lose a friend. I could possibly become a joke, seriously I think I already am right now. I could possibly be defined as 'desperate', 'cheap' whatever stigma that comes along. I could possibly get rejected in the meanest ways?

What about her? You confessed to her. You asked her out. You texted her. Why can't you just do all these to me? It's either I'm less important, or you don't like me that much, or you've already decided that I'm someone who is just passing by. A phase in your life.

As I said, I'm doing myself justice. I pin no hope when I told you my feelings. I knew you already had someone you like and you will never like me cos' I'm invisible and you can't see me at all. I ASKED FOR NO REPLY. I mean what I say. Why did you fucking reply??? I want no sympathy. Are you that easy? I bet you'll accept any girls who confesses to you. I want no answer seriously. I'm trying to let go of all my feelings. I'm just trying to do something which I never had the guts to do 5 years ago.

Seriously who do you think I am? Just because I confessed means I'm okay with anything? Do you seriously think I'm that easy. I fucking hate it when he hold my hand or whatsoever.


I fucking hate the feeling of uncertainty. Hate being sad. Hate it when my heart physically ache. Hate that my self-confidence just drop when it comes to being certain your feelings. Hate it when I break down whenever I feel afraid.Hate it when I feel as though I'm losing control.

I hate guessing how he feels. All I need to hear is him telling that he likes me. Just that. Nothing else. Not some crap 'I tried for you last year.'Does that even matter at all? TRIED. As he said, tried. But gave up. Don't tell me that you fucking tried when I can't even feel your efforts. It disgusts me, really. Wth is he holding back on? I guess I'm really not worth the fight.

If he wants he, he gotta act like he really care. Don't make me feel as though I'm the only one who gives a fuck. Don't make me feel as though he doesn't like me enough. Don't make me feel that I like him more than he does and it's never gonna be mutual. Don't be inadequate. If it's gonna hurt so much before, now, how would it be like during and after the process? I've had enough. I'm gonna stop giving a damn. Stop bothering about things that ain't worth bothering. Keep my distance and save myself from another heartache. I'm 19. I don't deserve all these.

Yesterday it was Sophia's and James Kwon's birthday.
Haven't talked to James Kwon for 2 whole years.
I simply can't understand why he managed to walk out so easily. Maybe he was't in part of my life before but I've always thought that he was. We are thousands of miles apart man. It's funny how we used to chat for 6 hours on msn and one fine day, he just stopped talking to me. He asked for my pictures and used it as his msn DP. He stated me as his interest in his msn profile. He stayed up late in order to video chat with me, vice versa. We told each other about our family problems. But everything just suddenly came to a stop. I guess maybe it's too overwhelming for him. Like I even ain't real in the first place. And he just walked out. So sad to lose him as a friend, even though he's just a cyber friend. I can only see him. Can't even touch or hear him. The only line that I heard him said to me was : 'Turn on the lights, it's bad for your eyes.' WTF MAN..

And I made him so important in my life that I even managed to remember his birthday. It's weird cos' I can only remember my sisters , my parents and 2 of my friends birthdate. I don't like to remember insignificant stuffs but he made me did. Because of him, I've managed to remember my niece, Sophia's birthday. Because her birthdate is the same as his.
How funny it will be if I tell others that I cannot remember my niece's birthdate but I can remember a stranger's very well?

it's too surreal.
i need something to prove that what he said is true.
it feels like i'm the only one who gives a fuck.

I wanna know why he still sent me the text despite the fact that he already has someone he likes and he doesn't like me at all. Why is he acting all nice? I'd rather him be a jerk and be honest with me. Who did he think he is? A saint? Tryna do me a favor? Does he think that he is doing some sorta charity work helping the 'needy'?
Cos' it feels nothing but all those negative crap.

He must have thought that I will be goddamn glad. Whooping. Crying tears of happiness but hell no. I'm crying tears of uncertainties. Really regret knowing him. The headstrong girl being defeated by some guy. How embarassing.


Things that are too surreal won't last.
They are just dream bubbles threatening to burst anytime without warning.


You scare me really. Because of your casualness.
Because you still mislead and give false hopes when you already have someone you like.

I wasn't expecting ANYTHING when I confessed to him. No one would believe this but it's true. I want no reply. I want no promises. I want no obligations. I wasn't looking for anything at all. I'm comfortable with the idea of us being just ex co-workers. I'm too used to unrequited love.

I mustered up all the courage that I've accumulated for years, words that were meant to be said to him , someone whom I liked for 5 whole fucking years were so easily passed on to someone else. Now I'm thinking ; is it worth it?
I've barely any strength or courage to believe in anything, anymore.

MM is so fucking right. She said that I'm obsessed with the idea of confessing rather than him, himself. It shouldn't be that case at all.
Then again, I wanna do myself justice. I'm always wondering 'What if I told him? Would the outcome be different?' I've watched him changed girlfriends so many times over the years till I lost count. Falling in and outta love was so easy for him but I remained rooted, unwavered and hanged on to the tiniest possibility even though it's just that 0.0001%.

We were all too scared to say the things worth saying. How true can that be?
I never had the balls to confess , scare the shit outta him and screw things up.
I'm certain that I'm just one outta those many girls who passed by and never managed to stay.
I don't need any of this to ruin our friendship.
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.
I'm afraid of so many things because I don't like it when my heart fucking ache so much till I thought I would rather die.
You will know what I mean if you've been through an unrequited love for years. Not just a crush or infactuation or anything.
Just altruistic love where you didn't expect anything. You can just watch him from aside and that's enough.

I know that few years later I will look back and remember these memories and laugh about it but right now I'm not gonna lie that it fucking hurts.
I'm like stuck in a maze, turning round and round unable to find an exit, trapped. What I need now is the emotionally not politically/logically correct answer. And I know that if I want the correct answer, I shouldn't even have asked the wrong question in the first place.

He should seriously feel flattered. I never bother with someone so much. People come and go but why is it proven that he's not one of them?

It's no one's fault. I can't blame anyone. I brought this misery upon myself.

You know how it feels like when your heart is physically aching when you are feeling emotionally sad up there in your brain?
It's a fucked up feeling. No joke.
We were all too scared to say the things worth saying.
The more time I waste, the more courage I lose.
In the end of the day, it's not me who defines myself but rather my weakness which has been calling me a weakling since the start.
I really regretted it, thinking that I can handle this game and went on playing.
Now it has sinked so deep how am I gonna revive it?
You don't have to be awake to cry. People cry in their sleep or even when they feel dead inside.
Are you worth the fight or flight?

so creepy. i was liking someone's video post 'price tag' by Jessie J then I heard something playing. I went over to my mp3 player and realized that it's playing 'Price Tag'

5 random facts/thoughts

that you might not even be interested to know:

1) I get irritated really easily.
2) Men are better in visual-spatial intelligence.
3) Cucumber is made up of 90% water. (usually even more)
4) Brain waves can be used to power an electric train.
5) I hate the sight of blood. Can't look at bloody gore stuffs cos' I can literally feel the pain.(okay except for menses blood cos' I'm already so used to it. Imagine looking at it for 6 days in a month for 6 years)

Men who carry GF&aposs bag: Hen-pecked or fashion disaster?

Men who carry GF&aposs bag: Hen-pecked or fashion disaster?


Must it be either? I think it's just a gentlemanly act and a nice gesture.
Nothing more than that.

BTT

I passed my BTT on my first attempt!! Got 49 / 50!!
Really didn't expect myself to pass cos' I scored only 78% and 72% respectively for 2 trial tests.
I spent around $30+ on Starbucks Frappé and cheese bagel using ' Starbucks provides a conducive environment for studying BTT' as an excuse to treat myself some guilty pleasure.
Wonder how much Imma spend to study FTT.

Finally 1 NY resolution down.
Next up : register for FTT and get PDL so I can start learning driving asap!

My schedule will be damn packed like :
Mon - Fri : Work
Sat : Muay Thai / Clubbing
Sun : Driving lessons

P/s:Screw those blokes who haven't pay for their Muay Thai course fees. The class is now postponed till 3 weeks later. Commencing on March 5th.

MEOWS~!

BORED

Fulfilling day

1) today was hella busy. Had 2 interviews, then I went to Starbucks to grab a frappé. Cheese bagel ain't available (just when I'm craving for it) Then I went for Teresa's graduation event which happens to be a psychology motivational talk. Then I went to watch 'The Green Hornet'.

2) The talk was really fun! Went around meeting new people. That speaker dude talked about Sigmund Freud's Id, ego, superego, unconscious mind etc. We discussed about our opposite gender's traits. It gave me the urge to go back to study Psychology again.

3) GV Gold Class is really high class. Seats were damn spacious and comfy. Quite similar to business class airline seats. The loo is of a 6 stars hotel's standard. The service staffs are really polite and their attire looked smart. All these for the price of $36.

4) I used to think Jay Chou is overrated but after watching the movie, my opinion of him changed. I still don't think highly of him but at least he is average to me now.

5) Jay Chou's english gave me major headaches. I was tryna figure out what he's saying then I thought I could read the subtitles but alas, it's mando and it will take ages for me to finish reading a sentence (that's too much efforts and needs lotsa concentration)

6) Smoked at least 4 sticks of ciggs. It sucks to have smoker friends who smoke every 30 mins - 60 mins. Especially when they offer you everytime they smoke and you have no willpower to reject cos' you're a real sucker for ciggs and you have been clean for 21 days and the urge is back and you're not insane enough to say 'no'. Just tryna justify myself, period.

7) Learnt about the reason why she ran away without contacting us after she cheated us of our $$. She asked me to lie to the cabbie that I've no cash / atm cards with me and I'm renting an apartment so there's no way that I can get money from my folks. It took me so much effort to convince her that is not the way how things work. The cabbie worked hard during the night to earn , he deserves his hard earned money. It is our fault for going home late during ungodly hours thus having to pay twice the fare. That she is a mom and she has to be responsible, she can't be teaching her daughter the wrong things.
She told me that she'd rather spend the money on other things. The thing is, I wish I could spend it on other things instead too. Such as food, I'm such a glutton, you think I'd rather spend the $ on cab fares instead of food? You think I don't feel the pinch? I'm not gonna do something which I think is morally wrong. My conscience bugs me, especially when I have nothing and held on tightly to the beliefs of integrity.
Is that the reason why she cheated us of our money? Because she isn't responsible and she'd rather spend the money that should be used to pay her debts on something else? Because it never once bug her or makes her feel guilty?

I'm utterly disappointed.. I thought she have already changed. I thought her punishments were enough, infact overwhelmingly depressing. But the truth is, a leopard can never changes its spots. They can only hide it momentarily to mask the truth.

8) I'm actually quite vexed right now. Should I make a clean break? But I know I can't.. I chose to meet her in the first place despite knowing what it's gonna be like. I'm a black-or-white person - it's either I forget about the debt or went on pursuing it. I chose the former cos' the latter is gonna take up so much more effort. Now I know I can turn away from her. I don't like what she is doing, I can't respect what her decisions are because they are foolish , irrational and morally incorrect but I can't change her perspectives either.

9) I'm gonna help out at my mom's tmr. It has been 2 days since I last help her out.

10) Hopefully, I can go starbucks and revise btt and get prep-ed for BTT trial test on Saturday and I hope to go clubbing in the night. Sunday's afternoon = BTT TRIAL TEST.

PEACE OUT.

random facts/thoughts

1) I'm afraid of supernatural things. That's why I still sleep with my mom till this age.

2) I'm afraid of insects in every lil ways. They might crawl into your ears and make you deaf. They might fly into your nostrils or bite you. Especially insects with wings. THEY ARE CREEPY.

3) I discovered that I have Acrophobia when I was 14. I am extremely afraid of heights and broke down while abseiling during a camp.

4) I have an inferiority complex because of my height. Some dude asked me to watch him jerk off and we exchanged a few insults, me saying that girls from his country are pretentious bitches who went for so many plastic surgeries cos' they are cheap and fugly and would watch him cum. He in return, said that I'm a midget standing at 5'3 short and I can never get plastic surgery to make me grow taller. FML. He's right. You can get plastic surgery for your features, your ass, boobs, gums but not height.

5) Believe it or not, girls are cunning creatures no matter how kind they looked. Trust me on this ;)

6) I'm sensitive to voices and smells. I can recognize singers's singing voices and describe a smell. I get really disturbed when I smell something unpleasant (leather, burnt plastic smell, chemical lemon laundry smell etc)

7) I'm agnostic. I get really irritated when someone (religious/ holy freaks) attribute every fucking things to god. Like 'oh god made me fall cos' I was bad.' 'Thanks god for making the weather clear today so I can hang my laundry' 'Today is Friday, so no meat, just fish for lunch.' 'I live for Jesus.'

They are just fucking irresponsible fucktards who push everything to god. To be honest, they don't love god. They just couldn't find a reason for shitty things that happened to them and attribute it to god. Easy, isn't it. Besides there are soooo many religions in the world, so does that mean that all the gods exist? If they really do, who is the god among all gods? If god created EVERYTHING, then who created god? You get what I mean?

Here I Am - 4Men ft. Mi

Here I am 여기 Here I am
Here I am 내가 여기에 여기 있는데

Here I am 지금 Here I am
Here I am 지금 여기에 내가 있는데

날 다 줘도 모자라
날 버려도 모자라
내가 널 얼마만큼 사랑하는지를
모를 거야 아마 넌 Here I am

Here I am 여기 Here I am
Here I am 내가 여기에 여기 있는데

날 다 줘도 모자라
날 버려도 모자라
내가 널 얼마만큼 사랑하는지를
같은 자리에서 널 기다릴게

날 욕해도 괜찮아
날 버려도 괜찮아
내가 널 얼마만큼 사랑하는지를
모를 거야 아마 넌 Here I am

모를 거야 아마 넌 Here I am

Few seconds leap to 2011

NYE celebration wasn't as great as what I expected it to be.

Initially it was quite okay when we were in the car listening to YG Family's songs. Love all of the songs especially 2NE1'S ^^

Clubbing this time wasn't a nice experience though. We went there and the queue was goddamn long all the way till the taxi stand thank god we managed to skip the queue.

It was seriously goddamn packed and we were like tunas. The entrance was packed with other clubbers, can't even stand properly in the crowd, literally leaned on them. You know like molecules in solid? The crowd was that dense.

Rebel is relatively small compared to powerhouse. Music played wasn't really appealing too..

AND WE HAD TO PAY $38 to get in. OMFG. that's like 1 month's supply of diet coke........

Some embarassing moments which I can't forget (gosh, seems like this memory is gonna follow me for the whole of 2011).. not exactly the best way to start a new year.

I was dancing (or at least I thought so) and I suddenly felt really giddy, really really exhausted and weak. Everything seems to be jerky, like I turned to my right and saw Jes.. that image was as though a broken record playing, it literally skipped some of the part, simply imagine a cloud passing by. Then I turned to my left and saw Rabia, all I could remember was that I felt really goddamn tired and giddy and I regretted being there, I just wanna sleep. Next thing I know, Jes was waking me up 'Eh, you okay or not??' and I woke up still subconscious and replied 'Eh...?' She asked me what happened and I told her 'I fell asleep' I squatted down cos' I was still giddy and sweating profusely. It suddenly became warm god knows why. Those clubbers surrounding me were practically staring at me. FUCKKKK. wish I could just disappear at that moment man. I asked Jes what happened and she told me that I suddenly closed my eyes and went limp. It took me a few minutes to realize that I actually passed out. OMFG.

AND I puked twice. Vomited all over my calves. Not cool seriously. After struggling to stand up and walk around to find a loo, I puked again. That feeling was awful man. My stomach hurts so much when the nauseous wave hit me. Throat hurts so much from the strain and stomach acid. My nose can smell my own vomit cos' some gushed out from my nostrils. FML. I spoiled the fun for everyone T^T I swear the next time, I won't drink a single bit of alcohol.

My body just can't take alcohol. I have low BP, low iron level and alcohol doesn't help cos' it dilates the blood vessels and dehydrates you which make the blood flow slower. When blood can't get pumped quickly enough to the brain, I just feel friggin' giddy. SCREW MY NYE CELEBRATION MAN.

Goodbye 2010, Hullo 2011

2010 as I believe, was the worst year in my entire life. It was all crazy. I graduated with a specialist diploma in Psychology, wanted to take a break from studies (well, exams and assignments actually). I was jobless for 3 whole months, nearly 4 months cos' work commenced on March 29th, 2010.
It was supposed to be a 3 month contract but I stayed on for 10 whole friggin' months. For the initial 3 months, work was fun cos I've yet to encounter any nasty visitors and my coworkers were nothing but fun. BUT, everything changed. Most of those fun people quitted and shit started to happen.Met nasty visitors whom I simply can't comprehend. Like..I just kept wondering 'Why are they like this?' always tryna find a reason that could actually attribute their atrocious behavior but sadly I found none so I just categorize/describe them as 'Incomprehensible'.

I went for several interviews but was never shortlisted. I pondered and I realized I was lacking of enthusiasm cos' those jobs that I applied for has got nothing to do with my course of study - Psychology. I was never really interested in anything else except fashion, photography, music, food, reading but to be honest, all these interests can't get me anywhere. Interviewer always ask the same question 'Why did you apply for this job?' and I don't wanna sound pathetic by answering 'Cos' I can't find any other jobs and I'm desperately in need of leaving that hellhole.' so I always lied 'I want a change of environment.' which wasn't really impressive at all.

Finally I've decided to let everything go. Fuck that man. I'd rather stay at home and be a jobless person whom got nagged by her mom everyday than to continue working and be a slave of demoralization. To hell with customer service man. I ain't gonna sacrifices my own ego/dignity/happiness in exchange of approval from others. I'm glad that I left that hellhole and I'll never look back.

Well, 2011 is definitely gonna be a better year. I just can sense it ;)
Here are some resolutions :
Imma find a new job.
Imma get my canon 60d baby.
Imma shed off all the weight that I gained while working (ate too much chocolate, depended on it to make me happy)
Imma get my driving license.
Imma get fit, learn muay thai, dancing and buy a new treadmill.
Imma study korean.
Imma get lotsa furnitures.
Imma pamper my babies (i'm referring to my darlin' shoes) and get them a HUGE ASS shoes shelf.
Imma decorate/tidy my bedroom so that it will look like those white european styled bedroom.
Imma plant babybreath, my favorite plant ever (well, next to clover).


.
2011, I'm all ready to take you on! :)

Hello Hello!

Christmas Eve Dinner 2010

Wedding Dress - Taeyang

네가 그와 다투고
때론 그 땜에 울고
힘들어 할때면
난 희망을 느끼고
아무도 모르게 맘 아, 아, 아프고
네 작은 미소면 또 담담해지고
네가 혹시나 내 마음을 알게될까봐
알아버리면 우린 멀어지게 될까봐
난 숨을 죽여 또 입술을 깨물어
제발 그를 떠나 내게 오길

Baby 제발 그의 손을 잡지마
Coz you should be my lady
오랜 시간 기다려온 날
돌아봐 줘

노래가 울리면 이젠 너는
그와 평생을 함께 하죠
오늘이 오지 않기를
그렇게나 매일 밤 기도했는데

네가 입은 웨딩 드레스, oh no
내가 아니잖아
Oh, 네가 입은 웨딩 드레스

내 맘을 몰라줬던 네가 너무 미워서
가끔은 네가 불행하길 난 바랬어

이미 내 눈물은 다 마, 마, 마르고
버릇처럼 혼자 너에게 말하고
매일 밤 그렇게 불안했던 걸 보면 난
이렇게 될거란 걸 알았는지도 몰라
난 눈을 감아, 끝이 없는 꿈을 꿔
제발 그를 떠나 내게 오길

Baby, 지나가는 그의 손을 잡지마
Coz you should be my lady
오랜 시간 기다려온 날 돌아봐 줘

노래가 울리면 이젠 너는
그와 평생을 함께 하죠
오늘이 오지 않기를
그렇게나 매일 밤 기도했는데


네가 입은 웨딩 드레스
내가 아니잖아
Oh, 네가 입은 웨딩 드레스, oh, no

부디 그와 행복해
너를 잊을 수 있게
내 초라했던 모습들 다 잊어 줘
비록 한 동안은 나
죽을만큼 힘이 들겠지만

No, oh

너무 오랜 시간을 착각 속에
홀로 바보처럼 살았죠
아직도 늘 그녀는
날 보고 새하얗게 웃고 있는데

네가 입은 웨딩 드레스
Oh, no
네가 입은 웨딩 드레스

Baby Baby - 4men

이유를 몰랐어 왜 내가 변했는지
한참 생각했어 나 만난 이후로
나 변한 것 같아 아주 많이 말이야
이 노래 들리니 oh

니가 너무 고맙잖아 oh baby
니가 너무 예쁘잖아 oh
눈을 뗄 수가 없어 내 눈엔 너만 보여
너만 계속 바로 보고 싶잖아 난 oh 정말 oh baby


하루가 지나고 (하루가 지나고)
또 다시만나고 그러다 헤어지고
또 다시 만나게 되고 너무 좋은거야
마냥 웃기만 해 이런 내가 보이니? woo baby


니가 너무 고맙잖아 oh baby
니가 너무 예쁘잖아 woo
눈을 뗄수가 없어 내 눈엔 너만 보여
너만 계속 바라보고 싶잖아 난 oh 정말
내 하루 하루가 너무 행복해서 oh baby
이런날이 끝나질 않길 모든게 다 변하지 않길


니가 너무 고맙잖아 oh baby
니가 너무 예쁘잖아 oh oh oh ye
눈을 뗄 수가 없어 내 눈엔 너만 보여
너만 계속 바라보고 싶잖아 난 oh 정말
Oh baby oh oh oh

Death is like a forbidden topic, a taboo that every living species is afraid to talk about.
There are different stages in grieving. One of them is denial.
If one haven't really gotten over someone's death , they will flinch upon hearing the deceased's name.


Never ever ready ; to let go.

The person lives in you no matter how hard you try to pull yourself away from it.
They just do. You start to do the things that he/she does.
Listening to the music that he/she listens.
Eating the food that he likes.
Saying the same words that he says.
Frequenting the places where he used to go to.
Tiny body movements that you might not even realized.

紀伊國屋書店

No balls

There's this visitor who totally pissed the shit outta me.
One fine night, my coworkers and I were sorta relaxing as there aint visitors and this 30 ish chinese visitor/cg came up to me and complained.
About kids playing around with wheelchair when there aint even enough wheelchair.
And he said 'Hope you will tell them to stop fooling around. If you don't do so, I'll tell them personally or call the police.'
Immediately, I wanted to reply 'Go ahead and call the police. Don't bother us with all this.'
I despise this sorta man (is he even a man at all, no balls at all!) who needs someone to pass the message cos' they simply don't have the balls to tell others off themselves.
Why would he need us, a TEMP CLERK who is only in charge of registration to convey the message?
Why would he need a POLICEMAN, who is prolly busy with some other SIGNIFICANT (murder, rape, robbery etc) cases?
This totally proved that he has NO BALLS.
Do you think the sheriff would even bother to entertain him?
I would like to them him straight at his face :
'Sir, the police wouldn't entertain you because
1) The wheelchair is not YOUR property, it belongs to the hospital.
2) The lady is really hurt, she is limping, she might need the wheelchair as much as your mom.
3) You make a police report not because you feel that you would be doing justice to other patients but because of you ownr personal nasty experience, your own personal feelings. It is selfish of you to do so and you need to sort them out.
4) You are a man, why don't you have the balls to them straight in their face?
5) What made you so sure that at that point of time when your mom fell , the wheelchairs were used by teeny boppers who were playing around with it?
6) Wheelchairs and complaints have got nothing to do with us, the screening counter staffs. We basically help people to register only. You want information? Go to the info counter. You wanna make a complaint? Go to Service Quality department? WHEELCHAIRS? Wheerchair bay / info counter staffs. Can you tell how IRRELEVANT it is of you to ask us, who has got nothing to do with the above to settle your personal grudge against teenagers who you alleged played around with wheelchair thus causing your mom to fall without the use of it? It's like asking the pharmacist about surgeries, cashier about the ingredients in the curry puff etc (you get a gist of what I mean?!?)
7) I CAN'T EMPHASIZE MORE ON 'BE A MAN'
8) No use crying over spilled milk. Don't push the burden / responsibility or attribute your mom's misfortune to anyone. Why have you never thought for a single second that you were the one who didn't support your mom well thus she fell? Why don't you carry the blame, be responsible for it?

Wishing's just no good
'Cause you don't see me like I wish you would

Wishlist

- Union Jack top
- Lace top
- Black checkered bag
- White canvas tote bag
- Black boots
- Keyboard stickers
- Knee high socks
- Boots socks
- Gel cushion
- Baby breath seeds, soil, plant pot
- Treadmill
- DSLR cam
- Armchair
- Reading floor lamp
- Coffee table
- Sofa-bed frame

Dysphoria

I've been a lil too emotional lately and I suspect it's due to PMS.
2 days ago, I helped this middle aged man to locate a patient.
This man, he works as a cleaner. He is sorta limping and doesn't have much strength.
The patient that he wanted to visit was merely someone whom he saw everyday and says hi to. Ya know, when people visits a patient, they would usually buy bouquet of flowers, balloon, chicken essence, bird nest etc.. but he bought the patient something so common, something which we drink everyday and takes it for granted - Milo.
Who the hell in the world would have appreciated Milo in normal circumstances?
Who would be thankful if they received a tin of milo and condensed milk as a get-well gift?
I would.
Because it's the thought that counts.
This old man here, he has so little yet he is willing to give so much.
He doesn't earn much but he managed to get something so practical yet thoughtful for his acquaintance.
The whole point of why I feel so strongly is because the value of a gift isn't determined by the price tag. It's the thought, the appreciation which you would feel when you know you actually matter.
Bad thing is, I can't find the patient even though I brought him up to the ward..
BUT he felt bad for holding me up cos' it was my lunch time.
He got me some puffs from the bakery shop near by.
I nearly wanted to cry.
This old man, he appreciated my act of kindness which I'm paid to do so.
I didn't helped him on accord of my true altruism. I did it because I was obliged to do so but he didn't see all these. He didn't see that this act of kindness was flawed.
He was glad, thankful that I helped even though I failed.
Normal (yes , I mean normal, angry, agitated) visitors would have cursed and swore at me by then but he didn't.


p/s: She is everything that you dreamed of.
Yes, she is EVERYTHING.
But what am I? Have you ever thought of what I am?
Am I really nothing at all?

Every Singaporean Son

I've always been interested in how the army works in Singapore and my coworker sent me a msg on FB asking me to youtube 'Every Singaporean Son'.
One of the most fascinating documentary I've ever seen, best next to the documentary of a north korean's life and assassination of Abraham Lincoln.
This video shows Kenneth who lost his gun's magazine (I still can't figure why it's called 'magazine') and he was frantic. He cried and said that he is willing to take any punishment if there's any. I was really surprised cos' he is known to be the 'joker' among them. Few days in camp and he is trained to be so professional and responsible already.. This really proved my statement that "guys went in as boys and came out as men".

I'm a loser in love

Today my co-worker abruptly asked me a question which he already long knew the answer. It's a question related to the matters of heart.
He said : "I'm just curious, but you really never had a bf before?"
I replied : "Yup, I thought it's already a known fact?"
He in return, replied : "You told me before that the guys you liked never like you back and you dislike those who likes you."


Sad thing is, that is the truth.
I went on telling him about this guy whom I LIKED for 5 whole fucking years but never once noticed me. I watched him change girlfriends after girlfriends and I still can remember their names. My coworker then told me that I'm overly jealous.
Ironically, I agree and disagree at the same time. Yes, I can be insanely jealous at times but No, I don't feel jealous of those girls. I feel envious instead. I never once dreamed of being with him, I just quietly watched him from aside, and for me, that was enough. Yes, there were times when I expected more and it made me so disappointed till I break down and cry. I can't help feeling that way either, it's just human nature to feel sore when you can't get something which you really like.
That person whom I like, never once told me that I'm ugly when his friends thought so. He is the most caring person , warm at heart even though he seemed really cool on the outside.
Humans are weird creatures. Those who seem cold on the outside actually have much more capability to give you warmth. Whereas those who seem warm hearted on the outside can be so much harder to understand,especially their intentions.

Ya know, you thought you were all healed. You thought you have already forgotten everything, let go of everything but somehow, something as tiny and harmless like a reminder, a question, teasing, can just pull you back into misery and reality.


Funny thing is, no matter how long I've been beside him, he just doesn't notice me. I'm just that invisible.

Don't ask me why I didn't try hard enough.
Because I never had the balls to confess , scare the shit outta him and screw things up.
Because I'm certain that I'm just one outta those many girls who passed by and never managed to stay.
Because I don't need any of this to ruin our friendship.
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.

There was once when our friend teased us and he said "I'm not good enough.She can find better guys. " Like wtf is this reasoning? I thought there is no inequality in love at all? You love someone for whom he/she is and not because for whom he/she isn't.

And to those superficial guys who gave up after trying 2~3 times, all I can say is that you can find better looking, smarter, submissive, money minded, easy girls out there. No point trying at all, cos' I like the chase, I like choosing whom I should like.

And lastly, YES, I admit that I'm a loser in love. Never once won a battle, or rather, never once intended to fight any battles cos' I'm too afraid of losing.

"It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel."

P/S: : It feels so great to let everything out after like.. 6 years??????
I feel sorta relieved now, as though I took a load off my chest.

P/P/S: This is the exact same situation which is happening now. I mean, the most recent guy whom I LIKED. But seriously, Imma stop torturing myself, Imma let go of everything and just let it be.

You gotta ring the alarm

M!

baby , you are so beautiful to me...

http://goods.gmarket.com.sg/gmkt.inc/Goods/Goods.aspx?goodscode=401029465

All or Nothing

Today Ymm asked me if I really want nothing from him and I said "Yea, it's either gonna be all or nothing for me". I chose the latter cos' it's easier. I've something right now but I know that I will never get contented with just that and sooner or later, I'll ask for everything so why not just get used to having nothing. It is like the idea of idealism and realism.
Nothing = Realism. Everything = Idealism.
Sometimes, I've already prepared myself for the worst so that disappointment will never have a chance to set in. I get disappointed easily and I'd rather disappoint myself by choice than to let others destroy me first.

I know, being apart's a little hard to bear.
You've got all that I need.

p/s: Just when I'm talking about all or nothing, someone posted on his fb wall this awesome song "All Or Nothing" by one of my favorite yet underrated rock band, Theory Of A Deadman. Coincidence much.

pp/s: My crazy sis asked me to save up $ for a NY trip next summer. WTH I've no savings. None at all. Where do I start from man?!? I can't stop myself from buying clothes online, buying makeup, skincare, books and food!!

Letters to...

http://sleepingwithlions.tumblr.com/post/716106295/as-requested-letters-to

Inspired by Adam Joseph Benjamin Holmes or whoever the creator is :)

AS REQUESTED, LETTERS TO…


day 1 — your best friend

day 2 — your crush

day 3 — your parents

day 4 — your sibling (or closest relative)

day 5 — your dreams

day 6 — a stranger

day 7 — your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

day 8 — your favorite internet friend

day 9 — someone you wish you could meet

day 10 — someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

day 11 — a deceased person you wish you could talk to

day 12 — the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

day 13 — someone you wish could forgive you

day 14 — someone you’ve drifted away from

day 15 — the person you miss the most

day 16 — someone that’s not in your state/country

day 17 — someone from your childhood

day 18 — the person that you wish you could be

day 19 — someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

day 20 — the one that broke your heart the hardest

day 21 — someone you judged by their first impression

day 22 — someone you want to give a second chance to

day 23 — the last person you kissed

day 24 — the person that gave you your favorite memory

day 25 — the person you know that is going through the worst of times

day 26 — the last person you made a pinky promise to

day 27 — the friendliest person you knew for only one day

day 28 — someone that changed your life

day 29 — the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

day 30 — your reflection in the mirror

Malice and Spite is not my thing

Okay, this is my first complaint letter (or rather, email) ever. I'm not sugar and spice and everything nice but neither am I nasty and obnoxious. But when I've had enough, I really mean I've had enough. No testing of the waters or pushing the buttons. Especially when I'm already on the ledge. This is the exact complaint letter that I sent under the feedback section : (I know I sound damn rude in the below letter but srsly it wasn't too much of me to say something mean to staffs who don't give a fuck at all)

Hi, I've received a mail from Singapore Post requesting us for the correct invoice and to include details of goods descriptions and true value as the Customs Authority Of Belgium wish to verify it.
I've actually sent an email to custsvcs@singpost.com but the email couldn't get processed so I sent it to pickup@singpost.com as suggested by one of the staffs.Yet again, the email couldn't get processed and I received YET another AUTOMATED REPLY.
There's something seriously wrong with the arrangement. First, Singpost requested on the letter itself to send the email to custsvcs@singpost.com but yet it can't get processed so I called the hotline (which you guys promised would give the fastest response, yea it was fast enough but it wasn't even accurate at all) and they directed me to send it to another email address.
Can you understand the customer's frustrations? All we wanted to do was to send a parcel to our family members at Belgium but something cropped up, which I can totally understand, cos' shit does happen at times but this whole process is unbelievably time consuming . I hope you can do something better than just sending another automated reply.
I wouldn't even have give a damn if you did not demand a reply by 11 October 2010, which is 2 days away, and impose return charges when you return the parcel back here and expecting us to bear it. Not exactly impressive yea?
Afterall we paid 70 over dollars not expecting for this to happen. I believe the money that we spent to send the parcel would deserve us some efficiency and response from you all.
Thanks alot for your understanding.
Regards,
_________

Ya know when I make some comments about a girl being pretty it doesn't mean that I'm fishing for compliments nor am I seeking for reassurance nor am I lesbian. I assure you that I'm absolutely not.
I just like beautiful things whether it is cute or pretty, alive or inanimate.
I just feel a need to let someone know that they are beautiful to me.
Why can't people think that those compliments that I give to others are simply just compliments without any hidden agenda?
They are just rhetorical comments, nothing else. Don't read too much into it.

Favorite songs

1) Between The Lines
2) Almost Lover
3) Running Away
4) Hush, Hush, Hush
5) Go Away
6) Can't Nobody
7) King Of Anything
8) First Kiss
9) 黑白配
10) Turn It Up
11) Heartbreak Warfare
12) Let It Be
13) 好朋友
14) 自我催眠
15) Speechless
16) Love The Way You Lie
17) Fearless
18) 1,2,3,4
19) Falling Slowly
20) Just The Way You Are

Giving up

Letting go doesn't necessarily means that you are giving up and giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.

I've decided to let go and eventually give up. Because I know there's no point in holding on, no point in trying so hard when I already knew that I'm not getting anything out of this. It won't get me anywhere.

We are always between the lines. I've no courage to cross the borders because I know the opposite side is nothing but all images of her.

I've no tolerance for that.

There's no absoluteness in this world;just like how there will be a rebel who oppose in a communist state, a christian who loses faith in god at times, a vegan who is curious about the taste of meat, a good girl who has a wild side in her, an ugly woman who is kind hearted.
Absoluteness is pseudo but to me it's either all or nothing.

I've chosen the latter. I know I would never be able to get contented with something, I'll need everything sooner or later. So.. why not try to get used to nothing, so I won't yearn for the impossible, something not achieveable? It would be so much easier, right?

My first step is to remove all traces that would lead me back. (Which I think I already did)
Second, is to drift away and bring myself to another new level.
Third, is to slowly forget all memories like how easily you can delete a contact off your cell/msn.

I know I'll move on. It's a matter of willingness and how much effort I'm going to put in.

The stupidest thing that one could ever do is to allow yourself to love someone who is never gonna love you back because their capability is used on someone else instead.

It's almost like drinking salt water in a desert, or attempting swimming in the ocean when you don't even know how to float in water.

It's like taking the biggest step in life when you allow your heart to do what your mind would never allow. To think unwisely and irrationally with your heart instead of your brain. It's foolish.

It should all end now. Everything should come to a stop now.
RIP memories of him, RIP my feelings, RIP possibilites and hopes.

I'm just fucking invisible

Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible
Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible Invisible

JG : " Let me be irrational until end of this month and after that I'm getting back on my feet again. "

Guess what? I'm sharing the same sentiments as you but to be honest, I'm not confident that I can do this as well as you.

You told me the exact same thing that I told my friend.

" Find another target ; that is the only way. Convince yourself that another person is better than him, that he is not indispensable. "

We think alike seriously. But I know we will eventually act in the same manner.
We will give up trying so hard , stop giving ourselves a time limit, stop lying to ourselves, stop preventing ourselves to fall deeper, stop acting the way our mind tells us to do so and give in to our hearts. Cos' we both know that we are doomed to fail. We are clearly aware that we are merely nothing but weaklings.

Leave in peace , my persona.
You ought to take a back seat now.

" 抱歉, 电脑系统有一点故障 " + " 婆婆 " = 哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All these while I thought that I've always wanted to protect someone but now I realized that I've always yearned for the opposite.
To be protected.

I've always displayed preference to impassive , apathetic individuals but now.. I start to learn how to like someone who is warm and big hearted.

I guess choosing to like emotional sensitive people makes me feel a lil less vulnerable. It gives me the feeling as though I'm capable of protecting 'em , making their world a lil harsh for 'em.

But this isn't true altruism.
Because protecting them makes me gain back my humanity.
Because I did it for my own interest.
This is plain selfisness.

random

- I purchased something online using I banking. First time in my whole life.
- Couldn't believe the fact that I actually spent $83 on polaroid films.
- My friend and I are officially co workers AGAIN, after 2 whole long years.
- Much to my disappointment, my dad told me that the driller aint working so I can't fix my curtain rods yet not till I borrow my BIL'S driller.
- My dad and mom are officially on cold war for 4 days already all thanks to some rental issues.
- Finally developed some piccies and they make me really happy. Those happy memories :) :) :)
- Someone totally called me 'chubby'. NEVER EVER IN LIFE HAVE I BEEN CATERGORIZED AS A 'CHUBBY' GIRL BEFORE. Should shed off some lbs now now now!!

How does it feel not to miss someone or something?
I totally forgot this feeling.
Does it makes you feel relieved? Or happy? Or maybe just nothing..?
Maybe both missing or not missing anything doesn't affect you at all.
Not a slightest difference at all.
Maybe missing one is a state of declaration.
Declaring the importance and value of the item is to you.
If only I can possess everything that I want in the world.
If only I can keep whatever that I like with me.
Right by my side.
If only being selfish is a virtue.
If only missing something doesn't feel as bad what I have expected.

Questioning your self identity : Who am I?

Have you ever looked into the mirror and felt lost for a moment wondering who you really are?
Then you'll answer yourself your own name but still that isn't satisfactory.
You wonder why are you named as such and is that really you?
Afterall, there are so many millions of people out there who have the same name as you. Then you feel as though you were no longer unique.
If you have not, then you are really lucky.

Because it always happen to me.
I'm always questioning my self identity especially when I stare into the mirror at my own reflection for too long.
I wonder ; why do I look like this?
Why am I given such name?
And who am I really am?

All of a sudden , you feel distant, as though your soul were totally detached from your body and you body is nothing but merely an empty shell that doesn't belong to you.
You don't know who you really are anymore and what is your purpose in this life.

Have you went through all these before?
If no, then you must be really fortunate not to be facing the ability to doubt your self.

Nick Vujicic

" There's no point being complete on the outside when you are broken on the inside. "

Different Characters

Ya know i'm not exactly a fan of holy freaks.
Whenever I hear them mention the name 'Jesus Christ' or anything that has to do with the holy lord I will just creep out. But sometimes, you know when a person said it out of kindness not simply because they are strict followers of Christianity.

Today I registered an old lady who is eloquent yet soft spoken.
She told me that she has bad eye sight, her left eye is partially blind as she 'has a hole in her eyeball' and she has bad hearing. She also added that she just recently fell down and hurt both of her arms. True enough, I can see large wounds on both sides of her arms.
It made me so afraid of growing old.
Like when you grow old, you start to lose everything that you used to have.
Youth.. Beauty..
Eyesight, hearing, agility, memory, energy, immunity etc
Despite the short comings, they still have to live on with it.

I was talking about how some people might be happy but they will never feel contented but yet there are some people who feel sad but contented.
The old lady falls into the latter catergory. You can sense sadness in her voice, that she is frail and tired but yet she is thankful for the little small things that others do for her.She kept on thanking me, wishing that god will bless me.
These are the people who are willing to give when they have so little, so close to having nothing. These are the people who will cry silent tears and pray for your well being. These are the people who feel contented easily cos' they know that things were at its best even though not as much as they expected.
They are like what humans should act and behave like.
Appreciative. Be thankful for every little things that you have because no one ever said you have the rights to have them but you just did.

There are some sorta ppl who annoys the shit outta me.
Rich , boisterious, demanding pests who are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
They have everything in their world, even more they could ask for but they just keep wanting more and not willing to let go or share their current possession. Contentment is something which they will never learn. They are just plain selfish.

Hate that sorta ppl who take you for granted or make a fool of you just because they know you were kind (or rather, stupid) enough to let them do so.
For instance : This dude who asked for a 50 cent coin cos' he claimed that he doesn't have enough money for his transportation fare. 2 of my co workers were fast enough to know that he is just asking for easy money while I still stupidly searched through my pouch and felt apologetic because I only have a dollar. Guess what? That dude totally said 'Nvm. I can use it to take the bus.'
Okay.. Initially he said he needed $1.30 to take the bus and he is short of $0.50 (that means he have $0.80 with him) so when I gave him a dollar, he has like $1.80 with him, an honest person would have just returned me $0.50 but he totally didn't. I nearly wanted to turn him around and demand him to give me back my change cos' I felt totally cheated. He shouldn't be living his life this way!!
IDK why but I find it embarassing enough to borrow money from anyone other than my folks how could a MAN simply asked some GIRL, who is undoubtly YOUNGER than him for money??? That doesn't make any sense right??? Not to mention that he didn't even utter a single 'Thanks'. Like where is his manners and etiquette??
It's not about the money ya know, I srsly don't care if I got cheated of 10 k (not that I have that amt of money) or 1 cent, I will still feel EQUALLY pissed off.
It's simply about how I got played a fool by some asshole who doesn't work and goes around asking for easy money. Has he got any pride at all???? Asking a woman for money?? Asking someone younger for money??
This is that sorta person who makes you afraid of strangers who ask you for coins because they don't have enough for their transportation fares. Like how on earth to know if they are lying or not?!?
Enough said man, I'm pissed. Inside out.

Peace out. Imma turn in early tonight. Left with 4 hours of sleep.

REMINDER

MPH bookstore at Raffles is having 30 % off storewide to celebrate their re opening!!

两个不同世界 的人 着么 倱合 在一起
就好想 油跟水 是不可能 混合 在一起的

September Wishlist

- IB
- Tea + health supplements
- New look apparels
- Polaroid films
- Online shopping (rompers, white dresses)
- White dress
- denim cardigan
- Leather bag
- The Beatles tee shirt
- Canvas bag


- Leather wedge
http://www.etsy.com/listing/52689085/the-beatles-fab-four-black-and-white

Nietzsche's Eyes

I take on the water until the dam threatens to break

I became a little dull , my voice became too small

I'm getting down this ,getting down this You were not my superman

Now that I step back to see I haven't been me

Inspirational role model : Constance Briscoe

Constance Briscoe : "When they are old enough, they should have it. Well if they have a complex about themselves, and it's eating away their lives or preventing them moving forward, then when they are old enough, they should have it, if it makes them feel better about themselves. "
Interviewer : "So what were your own issues that led you to plastic surgery?"
Constance Briscoe : "Issue of ugliness. Which I thought could be resolved by having surgery."
Interviewer : "But you only thought you were ugly cos' your mother told you. "
Constance Briscoe : "Well that ..it might have been a bit of both actually.
It might been because I was ugly and because my mother told me and because I had money to sort it out, so.. both."

People like her who have been through shit but yet managed to survive and define her own success GMH.
I totally agree on her views on cosmestic surgery.
If you need it to boost your ego and give you confidence , go ahead with it.
One thing which I really admire about Constance Briscoe is her ability to seek strength from her misery and sufferings. She is so in touch with reality and she spoke in a matter of factly tone as though she's used to it, resigned to the cruelty that life has offered her and has never once pitied herself.

Unfaithful

Today, my co worker and I hanged out at a place where I used to frequent in the past. When my sis and I were on good terms. Apparently, my sis and I had a tiff but we were sorta fine now even though she deleted me on FB and has yet to add me back. Relationships are like mirrors, once it's broken, no matter how hard you try to mend it, the cracklines will still be visible.


Memories can be the most haunting access to our past.

That place gave me lotsa memories. Good and of course, bad ones. One thing about bad memories is that it haunts you for a very long time even after years when you thought that everything were all healed. It creeped upon you so quietly and despicably that you won't even notice its existence. It make your eyes well up with tears without you realizing.

I can remember vividly that day when my sis called me around midnight sobbing and telling me about her discovery, the shocking truth about her husband's extramarital affairs. I took a cab down and only returned home when she calmed herself down. My folks questioned where did I went, I refused to tell them the truth. Secrets were meant to be kept, weren't they?

Her husband's lover is a muslim lady, working as a receptionist at the mall.I remember that one time when we tried stalking her at the exact same mall where we went today. My sis was afraid of being found out as she was tryna get some clues and evidence. I don't understand why she has to be afraid.. She has done nothing wrong. She isn't the one who cheated. She isn't the one who went back home late at unearthly hours without informing. She isn't the one who shamelessly cuddle and f*cked with someone else who is not her spouse. She isn't the one who recorded the process and leave it around to create mess and unbearable heartache.She isn't unfaithful.
Infact, she has done everything that a husband should ask for. She gave up her youth, her time and other opportunities to marry a jerk like him. Tell me, how much is a jerk like him worth fighting for? I would say a bastard ain't worth the trouble.

To me, things are simple. You strayed, you cheated, you betrayed, you get outta my life.
I advised her to leave her husband without considering the consequences for her.
It takes 3 years of seperation before you can legally divorce with your 'spouse'.
What happen to the apartment after seperation? Her kid? Living expenses?
These are the prices you have to pay for loving the wrong person. Stupid right.
But.......
Why would you wanna keep hanging on to a loose rope that might snap anytime?
Why tolerate the nonsense that an inconsiderate, son of a bitch created?
Why get trapped in this misery when you can break free?
What makes her think that he still deserves her?

My sis must be one of the most silliest / simplest person I've ever met.
Her magnanimousness and ability to forgive have far exceeded a human's capability.

I used to have this classmate who lied to us. She denied her own marriage , her own child. I went to her house and she introduced her husband as her brother. She introduced her daughter as her niece.I saw the birth certificate of her daughter. Mother's name stated on the BC is clearly her name and Father's name is her 'brother's'.
She told me about her first love whom she has feelings for, about them dating despite him having another gf. She told me about them meeting up even after he married his gf. She was pregnant and even a goon could tell. She lied again, telling me that it's the medication that she was taking that made her 'bloated'. She can lie so easily without batting an eyelid but her love for her child can't. I counted the months and it was right. She looked 6 months pregnant when I last saw her and 3 months later, she used an newborn infant picture as her msn display picture.

I couln't comprehend why she had to lie. But I realized, she was afraid of being judged as she has cheated. Adultery is considered a sin. A religious catholic like her wouldn't let such a sin shame her. . But I still couldn't accept the fact that she lied to all of us...

Now, I guess I can accept the fact without being judgemental.
I understand why she denied her marriage and the existence of her children.

Maybe because my sister has done almost the same thing but at least she was honest with her feelings. She wasn't in denial, she admitted that the marriage has already fallen apart, beyond repair.She wanna give up on this hopeless marriage but she still cares for her husband. She couldn't do anything cos' she has a child to raise.
My sis and my bro-in-law has someone whom they like now.
Legally , it is considered cheating, adultery.
Spiritually, it is considered detaching yourself from the figure which you've chosen to attach yourself to.

Love is simply just a feeling that requires other concurring and contributing factors to make it fall together and make it stronger. Love can be gone but faithfulness still has to stay. Being unfaithful make everything falls apart; the responsibility, credibility and whatever it has got to take to make it work, perish together.

Ya talkin' bout me?

"It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel."

Unlucky

- Dropped my transportation card and it has like 20 over dollars worth of value inside!!
- Tore my 1 week's old gray contacts (AGAIN) . this happened at least 4 times already!!
- Nasty leg cramp in da morn which woke me up from my peaceful sleep.
- Weirdo who keeps on staring and grinning creeped me out.
- Body and neck all stiff and aching made me lose focus.
- Got called 'stupid' for da 1st time ever since I started working there 5 months ago.

List of things that GMH

1) There was once when I was late, pondering if I should run to catch the train which already arrived. I gave up thinking that I can't be bothered and I shall take a cab instead. I was pacing around when I saw this middle aged couple running to catch the train. What makes them so special is that the husband is wheelchair bound and his wife was pushing him and running. They were laughing so happily, whereas we, people with no disability are grudging the fact that we have to run. Their fighting spirit GMH.


2) A vts, dad of a cancer patient showed us his son's picture taken on his birthday. His son was bald, sick and soggy from the chemo but in his dad's eyes he remains as a beautiful child. The Dad was proud of his son even though he has no achievement. He was just proud that his son is alive, fighting for his life, not losing faith and keeping it going. This is the biggest achievement his son has ever had and it made him proud. The Dad's unconditional love GMH.

3) I saw this young guy who has a disability and he has to use crutches to walk. Every step to him was a struggle, the look on his face suggest it all. While most of the time I will be complaining that I'm lazy to walk over to the loo, this guy actually suffered way more than I do. Maybe to him, walking is as tiring as running is to me but yet, he keep himself going. His fighting spirit GMH.

4) Watch this and you know why

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k08yxu57NA&feature=related

Happy but not contented? Sad but Contented?

Felt that before?

When you have almost everything that you wished for but it's never enough for you cos' contentment is something which you will never learn?

Sad yet contented cos' you know that things were at its best even thou not as much as you expected?

You and Me, always between the lines

You and me?

Someone asked 'You and who?'.
I kept quiet because the answer is obvious.
So obvious that I would rather pretend that I don't know.
Because the answer doesn't matter at all as it's never ever gonna be 'You and Me'.
It has always been 'You and her' and nothing is gonna change that fact.
I was never in the picture and will never be in it.
I'm always invisible.

Invisibility

When your existence doesn't matter in his world at all.
When he can't see you no matter how many times you appear infront of him.
Like sweetness turned into ferocity.
A plea turned into a threat.

Between the lines

"I would say I was depressed.
But you know, we've all been there.
This is about loving someone who doesn't love back.
And, I know, it sucks right.."


I know that feeling.
When your world revolves around him and nothing else mattered except him.
But your existence meant merely nothing in his life at all.

When you try so hard to get his attention but he never notices you because he was too busy trying to get into her world.

There could only be one beautiful lady among the other gorgeous ones and that person could never be you.

When you can do nothing but stand aside looking at him and thought how nice it would be if he likes you back.

When others comment that 'You guys look compatible' but you can only just shrug and reply 'We're just friends.'

When what he has done for you has long exceeded the line and you guys were beyond friends which make you feel as though you were a friend with benefit except that you have gained no benefits at all.

When you try to pretend that you were fine and all so happy when you were actually slowly dying inside.

When 'heart wrenched' is an understatement that has barely any value to describe your current condition.

When you forgive something which has never been a sin before.

When you try so hard to walk off and forget every lil single details but you find yourself going back, replaying things that once happened before and will never happen again.

When you seek solace by rewinding those memories in hope that it will keep you warm through the night.

When you step into this vicious cycle and will be trapped in it for years.

I've found my way out after 5 years and I never once looked back.
You made me look back again.

Investing time despite knowing that we might get nothin' in return, you would do that. I know because we were both simple, or rather, foolish enough to do that.

contentment is an understatement

I've never felt this good for quite a long time already.

Plans got changed cos' someone decided to do so.
Fucken pissed off man. I hate last min changes.
I know I sound like some autistic kid but I srsly need time to adjust to changes.
But I still went out anyways cos' I'm already all dressed up and ready to leave (that's when that somebody texted me to tell me that she can only make it 2 hours later. AND after 30 mins, she texted me again to tell me that she has something on with her sis and can't make it until night time)
FUCKEN PISSED OFF MAN. Like what sorta excuse is that???
I know there aint guarantees in life but you can make choices ya know??
your decision to prioritize suggest nth but that you're either 1)irreponsible or 2)treat things way too easily which either one make it unforgivable and intolerable.
enuff of that shit srsly. srsly pissing the shit outta me.



I went to the bookstores and saw quite alot of books that I've always wanted to buy on discount!!
How awesome is Jesus Christ man.
Half an hour spent in the bookstore and I spent a total of $68.50 on 7 books.
Too good to be true yea :) :) :)

I got :
1) Handle with care - Jodi Picoult (MY FAVORITE~!)
2) Ugly - Constance Briscoe
3) The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
4) When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit - Judith Kerr
5) My Bestfriend's Girl - Dorothy Koomson
6) Paths Of Glory - Jeffrey Archer
7) Sweetie - Jenny Tomlin

(these should be able to last me for 2 weeks??)

Then I went to ikea and had dinner with dad. The food there is awesome as usual.. especially the meatballs. Wanted to get hotdog bun an hour after dinner but dad stopped me from doing so T^T

I got dad and myself curtain rods, lotsa photo frames, floor lamp, mirror, vase, artificial daisy etc. The white bookshelf that I planned on buying is a tad too big, think it might hit the ceiling so I skipped that.

Next on my list :
- white bookcase
- white bedside table
- huge clock
- white study table
- white bedframe

Tmr is gonna be a fucken long day. work > bbq chicken korean eatery with YMM > Claire's chalet.
SO NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO TMR :(

p/s: I hate azn chicks who act all so white. It's epic fail cos' azns are supposed to be FOBBY.

PEACE OUT.

cos' no one has ever told me that I'm beautiful.

cos' I'm sick of superficial statements.

cos' every girls deserved to be told that they are beautiful no matter how unattractive they look.

cos' all these lil details matter alot.

cos' all these might even save a life.

lotsa interesting things happened today :

1) Prime Minister came to the hospital.
2) Someone totally collasped and I thought he had a seizure.
3) Someone asked if I can speak Mandarin cos' she said I looked like a Japanese.

- kept on snoozing my alarm clock and I was nearly late.
- left house 5 mins later than usual
- boarded the cab and the cab driver asked if i went partying last night and if i were going straight to work cos' I was overdressed.
- thought that the cabbie was friendly and fatherly cos' he advised me to pursue my studies and said 'nothing is impossible if u try hard enough'.
- the journey was a fast and pleasant one.
- told the cabbie that I have to punch in/sign in first and I will return to pay him the fares, he kept QUIET, not even bothered to nod his head.
- Ran like a mad woman just to sign in at 06:24 am.
- Ran back to the cab and I used nets to pay and idk wth he pressed (current/savings) and i keyed in the CORRECT pin number but it doesn't work.
- CABBIE GOT FRUSTRATED COS' HE CAN'T THE TRANSACTION WASN'T APPROVED. (WTH. i still thought that he is nice. see how ppl change when it comes to monetary matters, he instantly turned nasty and pissed off when he knows that I'm paying via Nets)
- Cabbie claimed that his machine is fine and I didn't enter the correct pin number. I told him that he pressed (savings/current) wrongly and he stopped me abruptly. RUDE ASS. (SEE HOW REALISTIC HUMANS CAN BE??!!)
- Finally it got approved and I felt the urge to copy down his name and lodge a complaint. Yes, I was THAT ANNOYED.
- Had a small miserable serving of wholemeal cheese sandwich and black coffee w/o sugar.
- Breakie wasn't enjoyable as at all as I was constantly interrupted by visitors who keeps popping by and I feel guilty that I left my co workers to do the work while I happily munched on. Besides, I think the vts were giving me a stare as though I'm skiviing or something like that.
- Had chinese noodles and mango juice for lunch.
- So sleepy after a high GI , carb meal.
- Got my transportation allowance and instantly became richer by $46.
- Float-walked to the train station while enjoying the cool breeze. - So sleepy that I nearly fell asleep in the train while standing up (as usual) and I made Jeslyn text me until I reach my destination. - Went to the cc to submit my sis's form and I walked in the rain!! - Walked in the rain while listening to 'First Kiss' and 'You Are My Everything'. Omg.. I feel like I'm in a drama or something.. so dreamy <.<>w<


p/p/s: I'm so excited about having SUSHI TMR. I CAN'T SLEEP.
p/p/p/s: cannot be late tmr, cos' I must be credible.

today :

- missed the first bus and i had to wait for another one which came after 15 mins.
- ran for my life to catch the train.
- not a single sight of cab at the taxi stand. hardest decision of my life to decide if i should run from the train station to my workplace or wait for the taxi (either way will make me late as I'm only left with 7 mins )
- decided to run/walk instead since THERE AINT ANY CAB AT ALL!!! knew I would be late as I need around 8~9 mins to reach.
- God blessed my holy soul, I managed to reach within 6 mins and I punched in my card at 7:29 am. CLOSE SHAVE. PHEW!!
- Can't believe that I actually made it on time and broke my record of taking only 6 mins to reach.
- Legs all wobbly, lungs feel as though they are gonna explode, heart hammered hard against my ribcage, everything hurts, vision blurry. Legs gave way but I caught myself before I fall. Low BP as I'm having my period and I haven't drink any water.
- went to the loo in that bad state and I could see ppl staring as I dragged my palm on the wall for support/balance.
- Security officer told my co worker to check on me as he was afraid that I might faint in the loo.
- w68 causing major headache as usual.
- bakery shop staffs suddenly called out my name and scared the shit outta me cos Idk how they get to know my name when my name tag obviously wasn't there for 'em to refer.
- Nice visitors greet me goodbye when I was otw home.
- Met up with Jeslyn to replace her transportation card.
- She decided that she wants a new hairdo and I reconmended her a salon which I find quite good.
- Spontaneously decided that she's gonna get a new haircolor and I waited for around 1.5 hrs.
- Dr Martens on sales. $170 for a pair of boots with its leather shoes polish.
- Had gastric pain (sharp pain) all over my stomach. it feels like it's some sorta shooting fireworks inside. grabbed a cheeseburger to reduce my hunger pangs.
- slept in the bus for a good whole 45 mins.
- saw a cute girl pretending that she's helping her folks to shower. so heartwarming..
- updating some piccies as I update now.

Extremely tired but not sleepy right now so I decided to blog about my experience hanging out with my sister's bunch of friends.

It might not be a big deal to you but it is to me because I'm often against the idea of going out togther with my friend's friend/family member etc cos I'm so anti social that I'd most prolly freaked out when I have to talk to some stranger, let my persona take over but yet not over doing it cos' it is so not me.

Well, we first agreed to go to a newly launched club in town area -___-;; highly suspicious yea??
My sister was nagging at me non stop cos' I stay rooted on the chair surfing the net before we were about to leave. Seem like her worries are unnecessary because her friends arrived an hour later -__-;;
I thought it was just one of them, but 3 turned up.

Headed over to their friend's chalet party and I see more of their friends. Like 70 ++ people smoking, running around, grilling and eating food. Whoa. Hate that scene man. Smoke all around, making me smell like some kinda roasted martian (only that I smell better cos' Martians naturally smell better than Earthlings, js)
I was a lil shy to talk at first, and others were making the same comment about 'your sister is very quiet'. Idk why I act all shy and dainty when I hang around with strangers, my persona I guess..
My sister said something like : "Oh she isn't. She is extremely talkative and noisy. She speaks to me in an indian and hongkie accent"
Her friend also said that I speak like a korean when I'm speaking chinese. Korean accent mandarin??? He continue to say that I look like a korean too :D which made me kinda happy cos' he doesn't know that I'm nuts about them.
He made some comparisons and asked my sister why she aint fluent as me as we are sisters. I helped her replied btw, reason being, she is majoring in interior design and her classmates were all chinese speaking , there is no way she can practise speaking english in that environment. Furthermore, she doesn't need to do much reports, all her assignments were designing and hands on practical work. Besides, whenever she has a report or whatever slideshows to do, she will hand the work to me. Very convenient yea, and I never once turn down because I enjoy doing others' assignments other than mine.



Went to the convience store to buy some soft drinks and ice for the mixers later on. Realized that her friend is damn fickle minded and indecisive. No one bothers to fork in because that dude is rich. No one bothers to carry the grocery bag cos' that dude is a guy and guys are supposed to do all the hard work. I find it kinda ridiculous. I mean I even have to explain why I helped him to carry the grocery bags. I mean the logic is simple, the person is busy keeping his money, there's a long queue behind us and the least I could do is just to simply carry the bags so that we could save everyone some time and space. To hell with those old fashioned thinkings about guys having to carry all the heavy stuffs. It's a nice gesture I know, but I'm not weak. I'm fit enough to carry 25 lbs of grocery bags.


(why am I ranting right now?? Feeling kinda annoyed by now)

The reason why I'm hella pissed off is because I hate how money grubbing girls treat rich guys.
They are always flirting with them, liking them for their money instead of looks (fyi, looks are the 1st attraction when you meet a guy), wanting them to buy them expensive stuffs, try every means to make them pay, try every lil single way to take advantage of them, treat them like a slave but solve the problem by sweet talking or flirting with them. Poor guys yea.
That dude is rich, he has alot of girls (pests) swooning up to him, flirting and courting him because he is rich. All for the motherfucking stinkass money. Are they cheap or what??
I mean, some guys might be rich but they are totally an arrogant jerk, some might look like crap, some has no manners at all. In this case, the guy look like crap but has a way with his friends. His ex girlfriends hooked up with him, not the other way round. JUST BECAUSE HE IS RICH. cheap whores. I'd rather date someone who is finanically stable, has good manners and live in an average apartment. Financially stable means the ability to provide for my child and my expenses, especially my child's education and all the bills. My expenses doesn't include high end branded bags, spa, massage , shitloads of treatments etc. That money, I can earn it myself. One simple principle that I stick to is, never take advantage of guys and never let them to the same to you. If you want the money, earn it yourself. I don't see why I should rely on a guy when I can have the capability to do it myself. Going on dutch with a male friend is fine with me, and carrying my own shopping bags while shopping with a male friend is fine with me. His kind offer to help you without any ulterior motive is a nice gesture thou.

Random rants that matters (to me)

1) Black Queen is officially my favorite korean dance group.

2) My sis can be annoying at times, especially when she plans a last min spontaneous event (clubbing) at least once every week and calls me early in the morning for the past few days.

3) Listening to 'Hot Issue', 'So Hot', 'I don't care', 'Change' makes me feel confident. That kinda confidence which tells you that you are a big deal.



5) I'm still comtemplating if I should go to the new club with Celine this saturday. Afterall, I'm starting to work on Monday and I don't have any days left to go out.



6) I'm soooo motivated to buy furnitures (WHITE lace curtains, desktop table, desk lamp, arm swivel chair, bookshelves, four poster bed, HUGE LONG mirror), white memory pillow (for my aching neck), white quilt, bedsheets etc.

7) Can't wait to refurnish my whole room, then buy a treadmill, Ipod loud speaker so that I can run while pumping up the loud music.


8) Wished that I can install a LED 3D tv on my wall but I think that is possibly impossible.

9) My love for South KR grow stronger each day. I'm a step closer to being insanely obsessed with this awesome country. The language, food, culture, people, place etc. I'd appreciate it if anyone lemme know where I can buy the Korean Flag.


10) I got a bad feeling about this student raping the tutor when she is all alone in his apartment. I might be paranoid and judgemental but he is srsly highly suspicious. 46 yo man.. requesting a FEMALE private tutor, wanting to meet up with her before the lessons. Please tell me that I'm nuts. I srsly don't want the police to call me up and ask if I'm an accomplice -___-;;


11) I've written a whole list of food to avoid eating and food suggestion for all meals. All the food stated in the list are healthy, the right amount of serving, low GI. I think it helps a tiny weeny bit because I'm more determined to eat healthy and it serves as a gentle reminder that I should control my appetite. I'm referring to the list to check if my pick is a good choice or not (even thou I know clearly if it's or not), I just need to remind and control myself. And I refer to the list so that I have an idea what to pick up during grocery shopping,


12) Work is starting on Monday. I can't wait. I know that it will be challenging having shitload of things to do and I can't even skive for a single sec. It is great that way since the past few jobs were far too bimbotic and boring for me. Another bonus is that I can expose myself to other alternatives, working in the hospital can help me to practise my patience and make me more or less humane.