Funerals set me thinking

Attending the wake makes me think even more. Practically everything set me thinking

I thought of death for the past few weeks. This happened alot when I was 10. When someone told me that the elderly loves grand children and it makes them live longer because they are happy to have em. I was afraid then, that my parents will pass away before I grow up and the 10-yo brain of mine thought of growing up asap to get married and have a baby so that my folks will live longer (If that makes sense to you)

It wasn’t easy for me to wake up in the middle of the night having to face a man’s threat to commit suicide ; jumping down the building. Those shouts, those loud voices and the desperation for an immediate solution cause your head to spin. Watching him sit on the thick block of cemented walls and all ready to fall as though his mind were all set on dying. His leg dangling in the air. His desire to be accepted and his fears to be understood and recognized. All these, I’ve been through. I fought them, the fear that it would ever happen again.

Now.. it all came back again….

Watching detective movies which is all about killing sparked off my interests for murderers and more of these shit. It makes me really curious, to learn more about murderers and their intentions to kill. It makes me really paranoid to the extent that I’ve to look back to check if someone is behind me, all ready to attack me. Walking home alone, staring on the ground looking out for shadows just in case someone is stalking you and waiting for a chance to harm you. Feeling the urgency to learn some self defense martial arts to protect yourself against imginary and non existent attackers.

Those death instinct and destructive impulses that Freud came up with really did happened. I shouldn’t indulge in insane thoughts of hurting someone intentionally or desires to be the first female killer who uses her own physical strength to kill a man. I shouldn’t wonder why women are not physically built strong enough to kill someone by the use of their strength but men do.


OOT: ‘The number 23’ is an insanely awesome movie but creepy as well.
On the brighter side / PS:
#1 - Mr cousin became Celine’s eye candy. She refers him as “handsome dude”.
#2 - I should learn how to be more sociable and friendly. In short, I should turn my introvert self into an extrovert sociable ideal self.
#3 - I should act more like my parents, especially my mom, when it comes to interacting with strangers.
#4 - I shouldn’t be all so shy and quiet (which made me seems as though I’m arrogant) when I had to be around with stranger.
#5 - I will look into someone’s eyes or at least look up when someone’s talking about me.
#6 - I should say “Thanks” instead of managing an awkward weird smile when someone passed me something.
#7 - I should say “Sorry” when my fingers brushed against someone’s hand instead of pretending that nothing happened.
#8 - I should make an effort to remember everyone’s name.