Last Journey

I'm finally spending some time thinking about.. the past. I hate it when I do this because it gets me all emotional and upset. Well, I have decided to talk about my aunt's last journey.
I woke up on time that day. All those foreign rituals and practice made me really confused and scared. Never gone through a funeral procedure before , (except my granddad's funeral which I never remember any details about it cos' I was too young then).
I guess I had this hysterical and terrified, somehow shocked expression written on my face cos' I can feel my cousin's stare. He constantly looked behind as thou worried that I might faint from shock or something.
I can't help tagging behind my mom and tugging the sleeves of her shirt. I wanted to clarify my doubts but I can't do so as it will be deemed as disrespectful.

I know this sound hella weird but I miss that day alot. When all of us, relatives, friends of relatives, extended family network came from various places despite their busy schedule to gather for aunt's last walk. I experienced alot of love being spread around. Those love came in the form of questions, compliments and memories that were once created and will never be forgotten. This aunt-in-law of mine is extremely fond of me and it kinda made me feel loved and flattered, the way that momma will / had never be able to make me feel. She constantly compliment me for being beautiful and good mannered etc. Those words were so comforting. It made me smile even though I know I shouldn't as I was supposed to be mourning. Momma never does that, she assumed I was never capable of anything which is proven correct cos' I'm such a lazy, unmotivated bum who does nothing, has nothing and is nothing. I'm a nobody in short. Whatever I do doesn't matter or has an effect on others I guess.

Oh.. I didn't cry at all during the whole mourning period which is most prolly 7 hours on the last day. Almost every female present cried , including my momma, some aunts and my niece who most prolly have never met my aunt at all. The live band were playing with their instruments and all the loud mournful music create a heavy atmosphere around us. All of us came upon the realization that today is really THE LAST DAY to see aunt. She will be cremated and what remains will only be fine ashes. I wanted to hug momma tightly to stop her from crying because watching her cry makes my eyes tear but I decided that she has the right to stop crying whenever she likes. Afterall it's her emotion and we are supposed to be mourning.
The reason for not crying is because I refrained myself from crying from the start and I was determined to keep it that way no matter how close I might be related to the deceased. Crying seem to suggest fragility and weakness. It also appear to me as hypocritical to be crying on the last day while I was potraying a 'oh, deal with it' attitude. I don't have a right and reason to be crying if I wasn't even feeling totally in pain and wrenched. You won't feel the pain or sadness for losing something which you have never been compassionate about.
It isn't the same case for my aunt's two kids. One of em, the elder brother particularly was crying so badly and he look shattered and haggard. He used to be on close terms with his momma being the favored child. I was wondering why on earth wasn't he crying on the first few days. He appeared to be nonchalant and did a great job interacting and socializing with the guests. Admirable , I would say. I have a soft spot for people who are crying and I had the urge to hug those 2 kids atm. Makes me wonder how am I supposed to live without my folks. I might even refuse to live if one of em leaves me having a strong attachment to em, especially my momma whom I have heavily depended on.


oot : one of my uncle said that I resemble Fann wong and I would have suggested him to get his eyes checked if he ain't my uncle and if I don't have to spare the formality. I look nowhere close to Fann considering the fact that my nose is 3 times bigger than hers, my skin tone is 5 shades darker than hers, my fortune is 1/9000000 of hers, my height is 4'' shorter than hers etc (the list goes on and will never end)


BAH