I'm a loser in love

Today my co-worker abruptly asked me a question which he already long knew the answer. It's a question related to the matters of heart.
He said : "I'm just curious, but you really never had a bf before?"
I replied : "Yup, I thought it's already a known fact?"
He in return, replied : "You told me before that the guys you liked never like you back and you dislike those who likes you."


Sad thing is, that is the truth.
I went on telling him about this guy whom I LIKED for 5 whole fucking years but never once noticed me. I watched him change girlfriends after girlfriends and I still can remember their names. My coworker then told me that I'm overly jealous.
Ironically, I agree and disagree at the same time. Yes, I can be insanely jealous at times but No, I don't feel jealous of those girls. I feel envious instead. I never once dreamed of being with him, I just quietly watched him from aside, and for me, that was enough. Yes, there were times when I expected more and it made me so disappointed till I break down and cry. I can't help feeling that way either, it's just human nature to feel sore when you can't get something which you really like.
That person whom I like, never once told me that I'm ugly when his friends thought so. He is the most caring person , warm at heart even though he seemed really cool on the outside.
Humans are weird creatures. Those who seem cold on the outside actually have much more capability to give you warmth. Whereas those who seem warm hearted on the outside can be so much harder to understand,especially their intentions.

Ya know, you thought you were all healed. You thought you have already forgotten everything, let go of everything but somehow, something as tiny and harmless like a reminder, a question, teasing, can just pull you back into misery and reality.


Funny thing is, no matter how long I've been beside him, he just doesn't notice me. I'm just that invisible.

Don't ask me why I didn't try hard enough.
Because I never had the balls to confess , scare the shit outta him and screw things up.
Because I'm certain that I'm just one outta those many girls who passed by and never managed to stay.
Because I don't need any of this to ruin our friendship.
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.

There was once when our friend teased us and he said "I'm not good enough.She can find better guys. " Like wtf is this reasoning? I thought there is no inequality in love at all? You love someone for whom he/she is and not because for whom he/she isn't.

And to those superficial guys who gave up after trying 2~3 times, all I can say is that you can find better looking, smarter, submissive, money minded, easy girls out there. No point trying at all, cos' I like the chase, I like choosing whom I should like.

And lastly, YES, I admit that I'm a loser in love. Never once won a battle, or rather, never once intended to fight any battles cos' I'm too afraid of losing.

"It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel."

P/S: : It feels so great to let everything out after like.. 6 years??????
I feel sorta relieved now, as though I took a load off my chest.

P/P/S: This is the exact same situation which is happening now. I mean, the most recent guy whom I LIKED. But seriously, Imma stop torturing myself, Imma let go of everything and just let it be.