All or Nothing

You know I'd fight for you
But how I can fight someone who isn't even there?

Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's no where left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all


And then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you can see
Those times I don't believe it's right
I know know it

Don't me make me promises
Baby you never did know how to keep them well.


Cause you and I
Could lose it all if you've got no more room
No room inside for me in your life .

Theory Of A Deadman - Not Meant To Be

What I'm feeling right now



Nobody wins when everyone's losing
It's like one step forward and two steps back
No matter what I do you're always mad
And I can't change your mind, oh

It's like trying to turn around on a one way street.
I can't give you what you want and it's killing me
And I, I'm starting to see
That maybe we're not meant to be

There's still time to turn this around
Should we be building this up
Instead of tearing it down
But I keep thinking
Maybe it's too late.

Top 10 things men think are romantic...which women think are not

Top 10 things men think are romantic...which women think are not

wtf guys should seriously marry domestic helpers so they don't have to bother being romantic at all.
i was going 'awwws..' while reading the last few then i realized that was what the girls expect.

I just want him to like me as who I am.
Not because he need someone at some point of his life.
Not because I confessed to him and he thinks that I'm giving him a chance and he wanna give it a 'try'
Not because I'm a fucking replacement.
Not because I'm the next best thing next to her.

I'm really tired. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't focus at work. I just can't do anything right. And this has been going on for around 6 months already. Only that recently it became much worse. I can't be grieving all the time. It's driving me insane. It's driving me up to the walls. My heart is racing all the time and I can't breathe right.

I kinda told him just let it be. Don't start everything again. Like I stopped replying his messages then he will say something which GMH and I will go back to the starting point again. I just wanna walk out of everything. This misery, I mean. But I'm afraid.. that if he really didn't reply, I will set my mind to just let him go. And I didn't want that to happen either.
He's damn right. Why did I bother telling him my feelings when I didn't expect anything at all?
Yea right.. why did I even bother at all??
I'd rather pretend that I've never liked him before and I see him just as an ex-coworker. Nothing more.

I've already expected this to happen. If I meet up with him and eventually let him go, this will be the end. I'm so afraid that he might leave and I'll just make up my mind that today is gonna be the last day I'm going to see him in my life, ever again.
I've so many doubts: why did he totally disappeared for months without contacting. Why doesn't he turn up for meet ups. Why does he move on so quickly?
I'm afraid to ask. I'm afraid to hear the truth. I'm afraid that I'll feel sad. I've already lost all my courage and it's gonna be ages before I can restore them. Right now, Imma take a break from everything until I find courage to look at him into his eyes and not cry. Until I find courage to talk to him again. Until he can finally understand how I feel. I think I've told MM before.. I can't look at him without feeling the urge to cry. I've lost this feeling for a month and I thought I'd already moved on but fuck my heart which doesn't listen to my brain. Logically, I should just let it be but my fucking stubborn heart just won't listen.
Pyae once told me that I can get any guy I want since I've got the looks and I told him angrily that I just like him. He replied that I was just being stubborn. I think he's damn right.
He asked 'You sure you want him? I don't want you to end up losing your virginity for no reason.' I think he's damn right again. I'm not sure what I want anymore. I'm not even sure if I like him due to my stubbornness or true feelings.
I really need time to sort these out. Meanwhile I'll just try to focus on work. It requires 100% of my attention. I can't afford to lose anything anymore.

why does it feels like i'm the only one who gives a damn. maybe i shouldn't even bother in the first place.

Don't tell me how you feel all awkward. Have you thought about me? When I told you how I feel I've considered so many things before putting in all my courage? I could possibly lose a friend. I could possibly become a joke, seriously I think I already am right now. I could possibly be defined as 'desperate', 'cheap' whatever stigma that comes along. I could possibly get rejected in the meanest ways?

What about her? You confessed to her. You asked her out. You texted her. Why can't you just do all these to me? It's either I'm less important, or you don't like me that much, or you've already decided that I'm someone who is just passing by. A phase in your life.

As I said, I'm doing myself justice. I pin no hope when I told you my feelings. I knew you already had someone you like and you will never like me cos' I'm invisible and you can't see me at all. I ASKED FOR NO REPLY. I mean what I say. Why did you fucking reply??? I want no sympathy. Are you that easy? I bet you'll accept any girls who confesses to you. I want no answer seriously. I'm trying to let go of all my feelings. I'm just trying to do something which I never had the guts to do 5 years ago.

Seriously who do you think I am? Just because I confessed means I'm okay with anything? Do you seriously think I'm that easy. I fucking hate it when he hold my hand or whatsoever.


I fucking hate the feeling of uncertainty. Hate being sad. Hate it when my heart physically ache. Hate that my self-confidence just drop when it comes to being certain your feelings. Hate it when I break down whenever I feel afraid.Hate it when I feel as though I'm losing control.

I hate guessing how he feels. All I need to hear is him telling that he likes me. Just that. Nothing else. Not some crap 'I tried for you last year.'Does that even matter at all? TRIED. As he said, tried. But gave up. Don't tell me that you fucking tried when I can't even feel your efforts. It disgusts me, really. Wth is he holding back on? I guess I'm really not worth the fight.

If he wants he, he gotta act like he really care. Don't make me feel as though I'm the only one who gives a fuck. Don't make me feel as though he doesn't like me enough. Don't make me feel that I like him more than he does and it's never gonna be mutual. Don't be inadequate. If it's gonna hurt so much before, now, how would it be like during and after the process? I've had enough. I'm gonna stop giving a damn. Stop bothering about things that ain't worth bothering. Keep my distance and save myself from another heartache. I'm 19. I don't deserve all these.

Yesterday it was Sophia's and James Kwon's birthday.
Haven't talked to James Kwon for 2 whole years.
I simply can't understand why he managed to walk out so easily. Maybe he was't in part of my life before but I've always thought that he was. We are thousands of miles apart man. It's funny how we used to chat for 6 hours on msn and one fine day, he just stopped talking to me. He asked for my pictures and used it as his msn DP. He stated me as his interest in his msn profile. He stayed up late in order to video chat with me, vice versa. We told each other about our family problems. But everything just suddenly came to a stop. I guess maybe it's too overwhelming for him. Like I even ain't real in the first place. And he just walked out. So sad to lose him as a friend, even though he's just a cyber friend. I can only see him. Can't even touch or hear him. The only line that I heard him said to me was : 'Turn on the lights, it's bad for your eyes.' WTF MAN..

And I made him so important in my life that I even managed to remember his birthday. It's weird cos' I can only remember my sisters , my parents and 2 of my friends birthdate. I don't like to remember insignificant stuffs but he made me did. Because of him, I've managed to remember my niece, Sophia's birthday. Because her birthdate is the same as his.
How funny it will be if I tell others that I cannot remember my niece's birthdate but I can remember a stranger's very well?

it's too surreal.
i need something to prove that what he said is true.
it feels like i'm the only one who gives a fuck.

I wanna know why he still sent me the text despite the fact that he already has someone he likes and he doesn't like me at all. Why is he acting all nice? I'd rather him be a jerk and be honest with me. Who did he think he is? A saint? Tryna do me a favor? Does he think that he is doing some sorta charity work helping the 'needy'?
Cos' it feels nothing but all those negative crap.

He must have thought that I will be goddamn glad. Whooping. Crying tears of happiness but hell no. I'm crying tears of uncertainties. Really regret knowing him. The headstrong girl being defeated by some guy. How embarassing.


Things that are too surreal won't last.
They are just dream bubbles threatening to burst anytime without warning.


You scare me really. Because of your casualness.
Because you still mislead and give false hopes when you already have someone you like.

I wasn't expecting ANYTHING when I confessed to him. No one would believe this but it's true. I want no reply. I want no promises. I want no obligations. I wasn't looking for anything at all. I'm comfortable with the idea of us being just ex co-workers. I'm too used to unrequited love.

I mustered up all the courage that I've accumulated for years, words that were meant to be said to him , someone whom I liked for 5 whole fucking years were so easily passed on to someone else. Now I'm thinking ; is it worth it?
I've barely any strength or courage to believe in anything, anymore.

MM is so fucking right. She said that I'm obsessed with the idea of confessing rather than him, himself. It shouldn't be that case at all.
Then again, I wanna do myself justice. I'm always wondering 'What if I told him? Would the outcome be different?' I've watched him changed girlfriends so many times over the years till I lost count. Falling in and outta love was so easy for him but I remained rooted, unwavered and hanged on to the tiniest possibility even though it's just that 0.0001%.

We were all too scared to say the things worth saying. How true can that be?
I never had the balls to confess , scare the shit outta him and screw things up.
I'm certain that I'm just one outta those many girls who passed by and never managed to stay.
I don't need any of this to ruin our friendship.
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.
I'm afraid of so many things because I don't like it when my heart fucking ache so much till I thought I would rather die.
You will know what I mean if you've been through an unrequited love for years. Not just a crush or infactuation or anything.
Just altruistic love where you didn't expect anything. You can just watch him from aside and that's enough.

I know that few years later I will look back and remember these memories and laugh about it but right now I'm not gonna lie that it fucking hurts.
I'm like stuck in a maze, turning round and round unable to find an exit, trapped. What I need now is the emotionally not politically/logically correct answer. And I know that if I want the correct answer, I shouldn't even have asked the wrong question in the first place.

He should seriously feel flattered. I never bother with someone so much. People come and go but why is it proven that he's not one of them?

It's no one's fault. I can't blame anyone. I brought this misery upon myself.

You know how it feels like when your heart is physically aching when you are feeling emotionally sad up there in your brain?
It's a fucked up feeling. No joke.
We were all too scared to say the things worth saying.
The more time I waste, the more courage I lose.
In the end of the day, it's not me who defines myself but rather my weakness which has been calling me a weakling since the start.
I really regretted it, thinking that I can handle this game and went on playing.
Now it has sinked so deep how am I gonna revive it?
You don't have to be awake to cry. People cry in their sleep or even when they feel dead inside.
Are you worth the fight or flight?

so creepy. i was liking someone's video post 'price tag' by Jessie J then I heard something playing. I went over to my mp3 player and realized that it's playing 'Price Tag'

5 random facts/thoughts

that you might not even be interested to know:

1) I get irritated really easily.
2) Men are better in visual-spatial intelligence.
3) Cucumber is made up of 90% water. (usually even more)
4) Brain waves can be used to power an electric train.
5) I hate the sight of blood. Can't look at bloody gore stuffs cos' I can literally feel the pain.(okay except for menses blood cos' I'm already so used to it. Imagine looking at it for 6 days in a month for 6 years)

Men who carry GF&aposs bag: Hen-pecked or fashion disaster?

Men who carry GF&aposs bag: Hen-pecked or fashion disaster?


Must it be either? I think it's just a gentlemanly act and a nice gesture.
Nothing more than that.

BTT

I passed my BTT on my first attempt!! Got 49 / 50!!
Really didn't expect myself to pass cos' I scored only 78% and 72% respectively for 2 trial tests.
I spent around $30+ on Starbucks Frappé and cheese bagel using ' Starbucks provides a conducive environment for studying BTT' as an excuse to treat myself some guilty pleasure.
Wonder how much Imma spend to study FTT.

Finally 1 NY resolution down.
Next up : register for FTT and get PDL so I can start learning driving asap!

My schedule will be damn packed like :
Mon - Fri : Work
Sat : Muay Thai / Clubbing
Sun : Driving lessons

P/s:Screw those blokes who haven't pay for their Muay Thai course fees. The class is now postponed till 3 weeks later. Commencing on March 5th.

MEOWS~!

BORED

Fulfilling day

1) today was hella busy. Had 2 interviews, then I went to Starbucks to grab a frappé. Cheese bagel ain't available (just when I'm craving for it) Then I went for Teresa's graduation event which happens to be a psychology motivational talk. Then I went to watch 'The Green Hornet'.

2) The talk was really fun! Went around meeting new people. That speaker dude talked about Sigmund Freud's Id, ego, superego, unconscious mind etc. We discussed about our opposite gender's traits. It gave me the urge to go back to study Psychology again.

3) GV Gold Class is really high class. Seats were damn spacious and comfy. Quite similar to business class airline seats. The loo is of a 6 stars hotel's standard. The service staffs are really polite and their attire looked smart. All these for the price of $36.

4) I used to think Jay Chou is overrated but after watching the movie, my opinion of him changed. I still don't think highly of him but at least he is average to me now.

5) Jay Chou's english gave me major headaches. I was tryna figure out what he's saying then I thought I could read the subtitles but alas, it's mando and it will take ages for me to finish reading a sentence (that's too much efforts and needs lotsa concentration)

6) Smoked at least 4 sticks of ciggs. It sucks to have smoker friends who smoke every 30 mins - 60 mins. Especially when they offer you everytime they smoke and you have no willpower to reject cos' you're a real sucker for ciggs and you have been clean for 21 days and the urge is back and you're not insane enough to say 'no'. Just tryna justify myself, period.

7) Learnt about the reason why she ran away without contacting us after she cheated us of our $$. She asked me to lie to the cabbie that I've no cash / atm cards with me and I'm renting an apartment so there's no way that I can get money from my folks. It took me so much effort to convince her that is not the way how things work. The cabbie worked hard during the night to earn , he deserves his hard earned money. It is our fault for going home late during ungodly hours thus having to pay twice the fare. That she is a mom and she has to be responsible, she can't be teaching her daughter the wrong things.
She told me that she'd rather spend the money on other things. The thing is, I wish I could spend it on other things instead too. Such as food, I'm such a glutton, you think I'd rather spend the $ on cab fares instead of food? You think I don't feel the pinch? I'm not gonna do something which I think is morally wrong. My conscience bugs me, especially when I have nothing and held on tightly to the beliefs of integrity.
Is that the reason why she cheated us of our money? Because she isn't responsible and she'd rather spend the money that should be used to pay her debts on something else? Because it never once bug her or makes her feel guilty?

I'm utterly disappointed.. I thought she have already changed. I thought her punishments were enough, infact overwhelmingly depressing. But the truth is, a leopard can never changes its spots. They can only hide it momentarily to mask the truth.

8) I'm actually quite vexed right now. Should I make a clean break? But I know I can't.. I chose to meet her in the first place despite knowing what it's gonna be like. I'm a black-or-white person - it's either I forget about the debt or went on pursuing it. I chose the former cos' the latter is gonna take up so much more effort. Now I know I can turn away from her. I don't like what she is doing, I can't respect what her decisions are because they are foolish , irrational and morally incorrect but I can't change her perspectives either.

9) I'm gonna help out at my mom's tmr. It has been 2 days since I last help her out.

10) Hopefully, I can go starbucks and revise btt and get prep-ed for BTT trial test on Saturday and I hope to go clubbing in the night. Sunday's afternoon = BTT TRIAL TEST.

PEACE OUT.

random facts/thoughts

1) I'm afraid of supernatural things. That's why I still sleep with my mom till this age.

2) I'm afraid of insects in every lil ways. They might crawl into your ears and make you deaf. They might fly into your nostrils or bite you. Especially insects with wings. THEY ARE CREEPY.

3) I discovered that I have Acrophobia when I was 14. I am extremely afraid of heights and broke down while abseiling during a camp.

4) I have an inferiority complex because of my height. Some dude asked me to watch him jerk off and we exchanged a few insults, me saying that girls from his country are pretentious bitches who went for so many plastic surgeries cos' they are cheap and fugly and would watch him cum. He in return, said that I'm a midget standing at 5'3 short and I can never get plastic surgery to make me grow taller. FML. He's right. You can get plastic surgery for your features, your ass, boobs, gums but not height.

5) Believe it or not, girls are cunning creatures no matter how kind they looked. Trust me on this ;)

6) I'm sensitive to voices and smells. I can recognize singers's singing voices and describe a smell. I get really disturbed when I smell something unpleasant (leather, burnt plastic smell, chemical lemon laundry smell etc)

7) I'm agnostic. I get really irritated when someone (religious/ holy freaks) attribute every fucking things to god. Like 'oh god made me fall cos' I was bad.' 'Thanks god for making the weather clear today so I can hang my laundry' 'Today is Friday, so no meat, just fish for lunch.' 'I live for Jesus.'

They are just fucking irresponsible fucktards who push everything to god. To be honest, they don't love god. They just couldn't find a reason for shitty things that happened to them and attribute it to god. Easy, isn't it. Besides there are soooo many religions in the world, so does that mean that all the gods exist? If they really do, who is the god among all gods? If god created EVERYTHING, then who created god? You get what I mean?

Here I Am - 4Men ft. Mi

Here I am 여기 Here I am
Here I am 내가 여기에 여기 있는데

Here I am 지금 Here I am
Here I am 지금 여기에 내가 있는데

날 다 줘도 모자라
날 버려도 모자라
내가 널 얼마만큼 사랑하는지를
모를 거야 아마 넌 Here I am

Here I am 여기 Here I am
Here I am 내가 여기에 여기 있는데

날 다 줘도 모자라
날 버려도 모자라
내가 널 얼마만큼 사랑하는지를
같은 자리에서 널 기다릴게

날 욕해도 괜찮아
날 버려도 괜찮아
내가 널 얼마만큼 사랑하는지를
모를 거야 아마 넌 Here I am

모를 거야 아마 넌 Here I am

Few seconds leap to 2011

NYE celebration wasn't as great as what I expected it to be.

Initially it was quite okay when we were in the car listening to YG Family's songs. Love all of the songs especially 2NE1'S ^^

Clubbing this time wasn't a nice experience though. We went there and the queue was goddamn long all the way till the taxi stand thank god we managed to skip the queue.

It was seriously goddamn packed and we were like tunas. The entrance was packed with other clubbers, can't even stand properly in the crowd, literally leaned on them. You know like molecules in solid? The crowd was that dense.

Rebel is relatively small compared to powerhouse. Music played wasn't really appealing too..

AND WE HAD TO PAY $38 to get in. OMFG. that's like 1 month's supply of diet coke........

Some embarassing moments which I can't forget (gosh, seems like this memory is gonna follow me for the whole of 2011).. not exactly the best way to start a new year.

I was dancing (or at least I thought so) and I suddenly felt really giddy, really really exhausted and weak. Everything seems to be jerky, like I turned to my right and saw Jes.. that image was as though a broken record playing, it literally skipped some of the part, simply imagine a cloud passing by. Then I turned to my left and saw Rabia, all I could remember was that I felt really goddamn tired and giddy and I regretted being there, I just wanna sleep. Next thing I know, Jes was waking me up 'Eh, you okay or not??' and I woke up still subconscious and replied 'Eh...?' She asked me what happened and I told her 'I fell asleep' I squatted down cos' I was still giddy and sweating profusely. It suddenly became warm god knows why. Those clubbers surrounding me were practically staring at me. FUCKKKK. wish I could just disappear at that moment man. I asked Jes what happened and she told me that I suddenly closed my eyes and went limp. It took me a few minutes to realize that I actually passed out. OMFG.

AND I puked twice. Vomited all over my calves. Not cool seriously. After struggling to stand up and walk around to find a loo, I puked again. That feeling was awful man. My stomach hurts so much when the nauseous wave hit me. Throat hurts so much from the strain and stomach acid. My nose can smell my own vomit cos' some gushed out from my nostrils. FML. I spoiled the fun for everyone T^T I swear the next time, I won't drink a single bit of alcohol.

My body just can't take alcohol. I have low BP, low iron level and alcohol doesn't help cos' it dilates the blood vessels and dehydrates you which make the blood flow slower. When blood can't get pumped quickly enough to the brain, I just feel friggin' giddy. SCREW MY NYE CELEBRATION MAN.

Goodbye 2010, Hullo 2011

2010 as I believe, was the worst year in my entire life. It was all crazy. I graduated with a specialist diploma in Psychology, wanted to take a break from studies (well, exams and assignments actually). I was jobless for 3 whole months, nearly 4 months cos' work commenced on March 29th, 2010.
It was supposed to be a 3 month contract but I stayed on for 10 whole friggin' months. For the initial 3 months, work was fun cos I've yet to encounter any nasty visitors and my coworkers were nothing but fun. BUT, everything changed. Most of those fun people quitted and shit started to happen.Met nasty visitors whom I simply can't comprehend. Like..I just kept wondering 'Why are they like this?' always tryna find a reason that could actually attribute their atrocious behavior but sadly I found none so I just categorize/describe them as 'Incomprehensible'.

I went for several interviews but was never shortlisted. I pondered and I realized I was lacking of enthusiasm cos' those jobs that I applied for has got nothing to do with my course of study - Psychology. I was never really interested in anything else except fashion, photography, music, food, reading but to be honest, all these interests can't get me anywhere. Interviewer always ask the same question 'Why did you apply for this job?' and I don't wanna sound pathetic by answering 'Cos' I can't find any other jobs and I'm desperately in need of leaving that hellhole.' so I always lied 'I want a change of environment.' which wasn't really impressive at all.

Finally I've decided to let everything go. Fuck that man. I'd rather stay at home and be a jobless person whom got nagged by her mom everyday than to continue working and be a slave of demoralization. To hell with customer service man. I ain't gonna sacrifices my own ego/dignity/happiness in exchange of approval from others. I'm glad that I left that hellhole and I'll never look back.

Well, 2011 is definitely gonna be a better year. I just can sense it ;)
Here are some resolutions :
Imma find a new job.
Imma get my canon 60d baby.
Imma shed off all the weight that I gained while working (ate too much chocolate, depended on it to make me happy)
Imma get my driving license.
Imma get fit, learn muay thai, dancing and buy a new treadmill.
Imma study korean.
Imma get lotsa furnitures.
Imma pamper my babies (i'm referring to my darlin' shoes) and get them a HUGE ASS shoes shelf.
Imma decorate/tidy my bedroom so that it will look like those white european styled bedroom.
Imma plant babybreath, my favorite plant ever (well, next to clover).


.
2011, I'm all ready to take you on! :)