I've already expected this to happen. If I meet up with him and eventually let him go, this will be the end. I'm so afraid that he might leave and I'll just make up my mind that today is gonna be the last day I'm going to see him in my life, ever again.
I've so many doubts: why did he totally disappeared for months without contacting. Why doesn't he turn up for meet ups. Why does he move on so quickly?
I'm afraid to ask. I'm afraid to hear the truth. I'm afraid that I'll feel sad. I've already lost all my courage and it's gonna be ages before I can restore them. Right now, Imma take a break from everything until I find courage to look at him into his eyes and not cry. Until I find courage to talk to him again. Until he can finally understand how I feel. I think I've told MM before.. I can't look at him without feeling the urge to cry. I've lost this feeling for a month and I thought I'd already moved on but fuck my heart which doesn't listen to my brain. Logically, I should just let it be but my fucking stubborn heart just won't listen.
Pyae once told me that I can get any guy I want since I've got the looks and I told him angrily that I just like him. He replied that I was just being stubborn. I think he's damn right.
He asked 'You sure you want him? I don't want you to end up losing your virginity for no reason.' I think he's damn right again. I'm not sure what I want anymore. I'm not even sure if I like him due to my stubbornness or true feelings.
I really need time to sort these out. Meanwhile I'll just try to focus on work. It requires 100% of my attention. I can't afford to lose anything anymore.